From victim to friend
by Subaruchan192
Summary: One of Rafael Barba's last cases as ADA is one of his hardest: a young girl, Catherine Amell, is abducted, tortured and raped. After being able to escape, she had been on the run for 10 years, but as another girl is abducted, she exposes herself to help and Rafael helps her through the trial. Three years later, they meet again in LA and slowly, a strong relation develops.
1. Chapter 1 The woman, who was lost

Chapter The woman, who was lost

Catherine Amell sat in a small coffee shop somewhere in Manhattan. It was a rather shady café, not more than 10 tables within it. She had chosen this place on purpose. No one would pay attention to her or anyone else around. No one would ever remember her. In front of her sat a hot, steamy cup of black coffee. Her eyes wandered lazily around. Catherine could not even assess what kind of people are the typical clientele of this place. The air was filled with cigarette smoke and the smell brought tears to her eyes.

Catherine was tired of it all. Tired of running, hiding and being chased down. This game had gone on for almost half a year and she wanted to end it all today. Time to face her demons. She sighed and took a heavy sip of her coffee, which had become cold over the time. She wondered, how long it was going to take, till they showed up. She yawned and ran a hand through her long, blonde hair, which fell into little curls.

She felt the movement in her back, before she could see a man walk up to her in an expensive three-piece suit. He was a Hispanic man, skin tanned and serious brown eyes. Behind those was a sharp mind hidden. Catherine knew that man, who kept a respectful distance. He had been the one she was running away from.

"ADA Rafael Barba, I think, we played hide and seek long enough.", she said in a monotonous way. Catherine did not look into his eyes. She seemed far away with her thoughts. "Actually, I didn't expect you to show up. I thought, it would be one of the detectives. Carisi maybe, or Lieutenant Benson, but not the prosecutor himself."

Rafael Barba blinked briefly, but showed no other emotion or even surprise about her knowledge.

"So, you know, who I am."

"You are hard to miss, when someone reads newspapers every now and again." The young woman of about 27 years lifted her eyes and looked blankly at him.

"It was a long game.", he agreed and nodded towards the empty chair in front of her. "May I?"

"Well, you found me, so I should at least listen to you." The prosecutor seemed to be taken aback, but not because of her behaviour. It was more the deeply hidden sadness and tiredness within her voice. A woman of her age should be at the height of her life. Full of energy, dreams, hopes and wishes, but this woman was drowned out, broken. When one looked into her eyes, one could only imagine, how bright they once had been. A flicker of life that had been destroyed a long time ago.

Barba nodded and sat down. It did not take long until a middle-aged woman appeared to take his order. She was obviously confused about his elegant appearance. He simply did not belong in here. The prosecutor ordered another black coffee and woman disappeared hurriedly. She was probably hoping for a huge tip.

Catherine stayed silent. She knew, why he was here, but not exactly, what he wanted from her. The atmosphere between them was tensed, while Catherine waited for him to speak. Barba waited for his coffee instead. He thanked the waitress, who returned quickly and payed her immediately- with a huge tip and also the coffee for Catherine. So, he expected that they had to hurry up after finishing their coffee.

"You truly were hard to find." There was a hint of appreciation in his voice.

"I have several years of practise.", she answered coldly and she pressed her lips into a thin line.

"I know." Although she had attacked him, Rafael Barba stayed calm. It seemed like he understood that it was cynicism, not disrespect. Catherine breathed out deeply. Her heart beat faster, because she did not know what was about to come. She always kept people away from her, but she felt that she could not chase the prosecutor away. He had tried to find her for almost half a year, he would not let her go so easily. Likely, because he might never find her again. "You know, why I am here?"

"I can guess it.", Catherine said dryly.

"I want to talk about that incident ten years ago." Her body tensed up in front of him and the young woman gulped. She nodded in defeat.

"Thought so." Her throat became dry and she took another mouthful of coffee. She did not want to remember, what happened to her then. Tough, when she read that they had caught her rapists, she knew that they would find her eventually. The current case was not on a good foundation. They only had presumptive evidence. Barba needed her testimony to prove a muster within their crimes.

Barba seemed to notice she would not talk on her own, so he used what he learned from the SVU.

"You are not from the US, right?" Smalltalk. Catherine snorted disapprovingly. How simple.

"You already know.", she said bitterly and threw an annoyed gaze at him. Rafael Barba still stayed calm. This stupid calamity made her angry. Catherine took a deep breath and tried to calm her down. Over the years she had learned to suspect everyone. Everyone had been an enemy to her. A potential threat. She threw an apologetic gaze at him, but the attorney was not upset. "No, I am not. I moved here, when I was 18. I am from Cardiff."

Barba nodded contently and drank his coffee. Catherine felt uncomfortable. This relaxed atmosphere seemed absurd because of its reason. It was more likely that they might be on a date together, not talking about her being raped, when she had just moved here. She bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes. A tremble of horror ran down her spine. With a sceptical gaze, she tried to assess, what kind of person Rafael Barba was. Sure, she had read a lot about him in the newspaper, but she knew, how shallow such a picture was. Could she trust him? Did he care for her or was she just another puzzle piece for his case? He was painted as a very ambitious man. She had followed the cases of the SVU for quite a while, because she often played with the thought of reporting the crime to them. For that she needed to know, what kind of person would await her.

"Would you like to talk about it at the precinct?" The prosecutor noticed how uneasy she was and for a little moment sympathy ran through his dark eyes. Catherine took a shaky breath and thought about it. In the end she knew there was a point of no return. Barba would not let her go and she wanted it all to end. Maybe, she would not feel haunted any longer, when she helped to imprison them. Barba waited for her answer patiently, but seemed relieved, when she nodded.

"Let's get it over and done.", she said quietly.

Catherine had stood in front of the NYPD many times. Often, she simply stood there, trying to convince her to get in, but she always ran away. She had not been brave enough. Maybe being here with Barba was the final push she just needed. He got out of the cab behind her and threw a long gaze to the building. Walking in and out of it was normal for him, but for Catherine it felt like it was about to crush her. Another strong tremor ran down her spine and she took a deep breath. Her legs began to tremble. Just when she was about to lose her brave, she felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Catherine turned her head around and looked into the brown eyes of the prosecutor.

"I know, it must be hard."

"No, you don't know and that's okay." She sighed heavily. "I wish nobody ever has to."

Barba looked over at her and furrowed his brows. He seemed irritated about her answer. Catherine did not know why, but it satisfied her to bring him out of concept.

"You don't need to rush it.", he said comfortingly, instinctively feeling how shaky she was. Catherine laughed harshly and shook her head.

"But you would appreciate it. Otherwise the chances are high that I disappear again."

"I can't deny it." Barba smirked slightly and an amused laughter escaped his lips. He then realised what he did and apologised. It was obvious that he did not deal with victims on a regular basis. Still, Catherine accepted it, because she felt it was sincere. She nodded towards him and they both crossed the street. It was time to face her nightmares.

The several offices of the SVU were busy. A lot of people ran around, shouting things at each other. Catherine felt overwhelmed, when the doors of the elevator opened. It was like a hurricane of sounds, impressions and colours drowning her. Instinctively, she took a step back and pressed herself against the cold metal of the cabin. Fear took over her and all she wanted was to turn on her heels and run away. A strong feeling of paralysis suddenly struck her by force. She tried to move any muscle of her body, but it refused. Everyone inside the cabin stared at her. She felt it deep inside her conscious. They all wanted to get out, but she blocked them.

Barba watched her from the corners of his eyes. He saw the fear controlling her green eyes, how her lips trampled. Just then, a woman with shoulder long, brown hair passed the elevator. She was absorbed into a case file. She did not notice any of them.

"Olivia!", Barba called out. Lieutenant Olivia Benson stopped within her pace and looked up. She frowned.

"Barba, what…" Her voice trailed off, when she noticed Catherine next to him. Her eyes widened in surprise, while Catherine hugged herself shyly.

"Miss Amell…" Olivia looked over to Barba. "You found her."

"She let me find her." Barba corrected and squeezed her shoulder. Catherine took a deep breath and stepped out of the elevator. She never expected it to be that warm inside the precinct. Or was her body just firing adrenaline through her body?

"I was tired of running away." She blinked slowly. "And I heard that you need my testimony."

The frown got deeper on Olivia's forehead and she looked between the prosecutor and Catherine. In the end, she nodded and leaded them into an empty room.

Ten minutes later, Catherine sat in a room of the SVU. She suspected, it was one used for the questioning of children. There were different toys, puppets and a lot of pen and papers for drawing. Olivia had offered Catherine a coffee. The cup was warm in her hand and she clang onto it as if it was the only thing keeping her in reality. Her eyes were clouded and her gaze wandered to a place far away. Olivia sat in front of her. A notepad rested opened on the table. Barba sat next to her with a tea and observed her closely. It had been a long time that she had felt this uncomfortable and almost naked. For a long time, she had thought about what she would tell the police. She had chosen her words, but now, everything had disappeared from her mind.

Olivia noticed it and smiled warmly at her. Catherine tried to focus on her thoughts, to gather everything, but she felt numb.

"Please, tell us what happened." Her voice was gentle and she rested a hand on hers.

"It all started rather harmless according to the crimes you normally deal with." Her eyelids closed off, when the memories returned.

"Nothing is harmless…", Olivia started, but Catherine denied these words of sympathy.

"I just moved here to start my study in biology. I was so excited, when I was accepted for the scholarship," Catherine continued without visibly reacting to her words and she swallowed. Her mouth was dry and it got worse with every word she spoke.

"And you parents were alright with you moving so far away in such a young age?", Barba asked.

"They both work for a cruising line. They were rarely at home at all. It didn't make any big difference." She shrugged emotionless. "And I dreamed about getting into the medical research, working on cures for HIV or cancer. I just wanted to help people."

Cautiously, she took sip of the lukewarm coffee, but her hand shook violently. Neither of the two were forcing her to speed up, nor was there any disturbance from the officers watching from outside the mirror glass. Catherine knew that Benson and Barba were not the only ones listening to her story.

"It all started at the 24'th April of 2009. It was a warm day and I just lived here for a month. I was fascinated by this city and decided to go the Central Park. It was a warm day and I watched some children play. He suddenly appeared behind me. I hadn't noticed him."

"Who?" Lieutenant Benson had started to write down some notes.

"An orange-haired boy, pale, green eyes and around a head taller than me. I guess, he was in his early twenties. His figure was normal. Not athletic, nothing special. There is not much I can tell about him."

"That is alright." Catherine looked up and nodded uncertainly. She felt the typical things she had read about so often. She felt guilty and embarrassed. An unknown fear went through her and she clawed into her simple sweater.

"He thought that I wanted to go to those kids, that I wanted to climb over that fence, I guess." She gulped and licked her lips. "He said that he wouldn't do it in my place. Then he pressed me against the fence and put his fingers inside me."

Barba and Benson exchanged a long gaze, but Catherine was not able to read, what they communicated silently. She knew that both of them had worked together for quite a while, so it was not surprising to understand each other blindly. It had been a long time since Catherine had such a connection to someone.

"I struggled, trying to free myself, but he was stronger. He said, it was for a biology course."

"He knew that you were a biology student?", asked Olivia.

"I don't think so." She shrugged again, but it obvious that everything inside her was a storm. "I think it was rather a dumb joke."

Barba and Benson knew that this was only the beginning. They were not chasing her for such a small crime. Well, she would not have been on the run for ten years for such a small thing. Catherine wished, she had an idea how much they already knew. It would make telling it all so much easier, tough it was clear she had to tell it all on her own.

"I don't know how, but I was able to shake him off, but he still blocked my way." Her voice got shaky. "He said, he would only let him go, when I jerk him off."

Barba raised an eyebrow and stirred his tea. Normally, Catherine would correct him not to do so. She was from the United Kingdom after all, but at this moment she did not care. Olivia instead shot a glare at him, because he should not judge her choice of words.

"What happened then?"

"I suddenly realised that I still had my bike with me and I slammed it into his crotch."

Four eyebrows shot up into the air in surprise and it definitely seemed like Rafael could barely suppress a chuckle, although he knew it was inappropriate. To be honest, Catherine was glad about it. Both were so used to such stories that they barely showed emotions. This was a natural reaction and it helped her a little.

"Afterwards, I ran off."

"Why did you not go to the police?" There was the hard question. Barba's brown eyes looked at her calmly. She knew, he was already thinking about all the question the counsel would ask. He seemed to be a perfectionist. He needed to be. Still, it felt a little like he was blaming her and like she had to apologise.

"I felt overwhelmed, to be honest. I only lived here for a month and was on my own. I didn't know, where to go. Suddenly, New York seemed even bigger than it is. I decided to leave it and to simply forget it. In retrospect, I should not have done that."

"Hey, it is alright. It isn't your fault." The tone of Olivia's voice calmed her down and she nodded again. For a moment, she stayed calm and tried to convince herself. She threw a look at Barba, who nodded reassuringly. Catherine did not know why, but unconsciously she was orientating on Barba. Probably, because he would be fighting for her in court- hopefully- and she just wanted to do everything right. Offering him everything she could to make it as easy as possible.

"You don't need to worry about your behaviour. There is nothing you could do wrong. Simply tell us, what happened and leave the rest to us. That is our job, not yours." These words were so incredibly comforting that she almost felt her brave return. It felt good to know nobody would blame her. She could give all responsibilities away, not caring about how to say something. She closed her eyes and nodded gratefully. For the first time since her nightmare began, she felt supported.

"I think, this is what caught his interest in me. That I dared to free myself and ran away. Otherwise, I think he would have left me alone." It was one of the things she thought about for a long time. Had there been a way to prevent everything? She knew, it was not her fault, nothing of it, but it felt like it. Like she could have done something different. "I almost forget that incident and lived on my life. One day in June, they caught me away on my way back from the University."

Benson looked over at Barba. Both had a slight, sad shimmer in their eyes. They knew from their current victim, what happened then.

"He kidnapped you.", stated Olivia. Catherine nodded in affirmation.

"How did he knock you out?"

"I don't remember. All I know is that the world turned dark and I woke up in a little cell. I don't even know, if I was in the same hideout as your current victim."

"How do you know about it?" Rafael Barba frowned. Catherine snorted and chuckled hollow.

"Please, why else would you chase me down for almost half a year? How would you even know about my case? There has to be another victim."

"How long did he keep you captive?" Olivia left that statement uncommented.

"I don't know exactly, but it must have been around a year." Olivia took in a shaky breath and Barba also looked uncomfortable. Catherine bit her lower lip nervously and tried to keep the pictures of her captivity as far away as possible. Keeping her testimony as neutral as possible was the only thing that allowed her do keep going.

"What did he do to you?"

"They.", Catherine corrected Olivia. The detective took a deep breath, while Barba raised an eyebrow.

"They?"

"They were triplets." Her finger drummed nervously against the cup, while her mind turned back to the worst year of her life. "Well, I guess. They never showed up at the same time, because I think there aren't so many red-haired, identical triplets. Not even in New York. But I was at their mercy for a year, while they kept me in that 15 square metre big prison. All I was thinking was, if they might be mad with me."

"Mad?" Olivia seemed confused, because of the word. "Why mad?"

"Because it meant more pain for me. They became extremely sadistic, when they were angry. So, I was staring at the door all the time, praying to my gods- who were them in this time- that they wouldn't come to see me. Or at least be in a good mood. I wasn't picky back then." Her voice became heavy with every word she spoke. Catherine sank into her chair. The weight of what happened her seemed to crush her. Her lip began to tremble, so she bit it to cover it. If she let it happen, all the emotions would drown her and she might burst into tears. Then, she would not be able to tell them everything. She needed to push every memory away. She needed to tell it like it was a story. Like she told it for someone else.

"How do you get the idea that they were triplets?" Barba still stayed unemotional. Catherine could not even see a little micro expression on his face. It drove her nuts. She did not want sympathy or even pity, she would have hated it, but she wanted something. This was not an exam. They were not playing poker, god dammit.

"Like I said, my whole focus rested on them during my captivity. I needed to know them, to assess them quickly. It was my only chance to adapt my behaviour and save my life. I noticed differences in them. Their choice of words, behaviour, gestures, mimic. They were identical triplets, but in those things, there were little differences. At first it confused me. Every time I thought I knew how to handle him, he reacted completely differently than I expected."

She turned her head away and stared at the white wall with the little yellow touch in it. In this moment the carefully kept masquerade vanished. A little girl appeared underneath it. A girl taken out of what was supposed to be her dream. Uncertain, beaten, hurt. Her eyes wandered nervously around still searching for a potential threat, although she was safe. Her skin paled visibly and she seemed fragile like a puppet out of porcelain. Olivia exchanged a gaze with Barba, whose face fall for a short moment. Even he could not keep his cool act, when he saw what the year had done to her. She had come to New York and dreamed of a bright future, but it turned into her worst nightmare. Being held captive, raped, tortured for a year and then on the run for almost ten years. Barba wondered what kind of girl she had been before it happened.

"What did they do?", asked Olivia cautiously. Yet, Catherine startled like someone hit her in the face. She blinked several times to bring herself back to reality. A tired sigh escaped her and she ran her fingers nervously through her blonde hair. It felt like straw, because she did not have time for its care.

"I assume, I have to tell everything in detail." Her voice shook and she emptied her coffee with one gulp, while Barba nodded. Catherine sighed again and closed her eyes. "Can I have another one? This is going to take a while."

"Of course." Still, Olivia did not move. Catherine was sure that Amanda Rollins just turned around behind the mirror to get one. Two minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Olivia stood up and got the coffee. Meanwhile, Barba never left her unobserved.

"I am not going to run away, Mr. Barba.", said Catherine annoyed.

"Just making sure."

"I stopped running away voluntary. I am tired of it. Time to end it. One way or another."

"We are going to protect you.", Olivia assured. Catherine laughed hollow.

"I hope so or this was the dumbest decision I've ever made." Barbed bowed his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. Catherine stayed unimpressed and drank her coffee. "Anyway, let's get this started."

She rested her arm on the table and rolled up the sleeve of her sweatshirt. Olivia blinked surprise, but then her eyes widened. With every inch her skin showed more and more ugly scars. She pointed at a few thin, pale one, right above the aorta.

"These are from beer bottle shards. They were the first to show me, what they would do to me, if I disobey."

"These ones…" She showed on several burning scars in the area of her inner elbow. "…are from several cigarettes, when they were bored and thought about what to do next to me."

"Miss Amell…" Catherine raised a hand and stopped Olivia in her speech. Any disruption would make it harder to go on. The lieutenant understood and closed her mouth. Catherine stroked her ponytail out of her neck and bowed her head so that they could see it. Right now, even Barba inhaled sharply.

"This happened after half a year. They have beaten me so hard, that I vomited on the floor. They disliked it and this was my punishment. They grabbed me by my hair and tased me here. I have never felt stronger pain or agony than in this moment. I passed out. When I woke up, they had chained me to the bed, naked, and left me like that for two days, I guess. So, I had to lay in my…well you know it. I really don't need to say it."

"No."

"When they came back, I was a mess. Ready to do everything just to get something to drink. They gave me my urine. Afterwards…" Suddenly, her voice broke. She did not want to say it. It was incredibly humiliating. She hid her head in her hands and desperately tried to keep herself together.

"Catherine?", said Olivia's soft voice. "It's okay, take every time you need. Do you need a break?"

"No, every new start would be harder. I pushed it away for such a long time. Bringing back all those memories is difficult and overwhelming. Give me a minute."

Both of her interrogators nodded and she felt grateful for it. Pathetic, how those little things could make her happy. For the first time in forever, someone respected her needs. It felt good, but the thought about what she was going to tell, dismissed this feeling quickly.

"After they did that to me, they had another idea to humiliate me. To break me. One of the worst things they ever did to me."

"I know it must be hard, but the more you can tell us the longer I can put them into prison."

"They used a vibrator on me and forced me to orgasm." Catherine's flinched in pure disgust and she shuddered, while fighting back down the tears in her eyes. "They told me that I like, what they did to me. I felt so ashamed and sick of my body. I tried to control it, to not do it, but it was impossible. I cried, I begged, but they didn't stop, until it hurt and then they forced another and another. I can't remember how many times it happened. Their sadistic laughter still haunts me in my dreams."

"Catherine, it was a normal, physical reaction. It was not your fault."

"I know that, lieutenant Benson, I do. But it does not change that it felt horrible. After they left, I hunched myself into a corner and cried for hours. In this moment, I started to think, I might never make it out of there alive. They would keep me for as long as I entertain them and then, I would be disposed. At first, I tried to assure that I stayed interesting, but after a while, I started to accept my fate."

"Hey, you survived." Olivia covered her hand with hers again and squeezed it gently. "You made it out of there."

Catherine nodded and gulped, taking a deep breath to fight down the upcoming anxiety.

"How did you escape?" Barba rested his pen on his notepad and folded his hands. He frowned strongly as if he could hardly believe, what she had to endure and despite that was able to escape.

"This will sound so wrong." Another sip of coffee ran down her oesophagus. "My rescue was, that I became pregnant in my second month."

"Pregnant?", Olivia repeated confused. "You have a child?"

"No." Her voice turned dark. "One of them, seemed to be very happy, when he heard about it. He was nicer to me compared to his brothers. He still tried to cover it like it was a normal thing of domestic abuse. Carrot and a stick principle. Although they abused me, they seemed to be very aware of not damaging the child. They even took me to a doctor. It was a little salvation in my personal hell. But one night, I had a miscarriage. I was in the eight months. The little boy was born undead. I cried and mourned. Not just because of the taken life, but because my trump was gone. My little bit of power was dead, but I also knew that this night was my only chance to escape. In the past months, I behaved well and gained a little bit of their trust, so I hoped they would take me to hospital, when I got into labour. Quickly, I got rid of the poor child and wiped away most of the blood. Then, I stuffed a pillow under my shirt. I knew, I had to convince them to bring me to the hospital. When they came back, I acted like I was in labour. For my luck, it was the nice one coming down. He panicked and wanted to bring me to the hospital. I knew that if I make one mistake, they would kill me. Either for the unborn child or for my attempt escape. I took a beer bottle and knocked him out. Then, I ran out of there and since then, never stopped running. I knew they would never stop looking for me and if they find me, they would kill me slowly and painfully."

The silence that followed was deathly. Catherine waited for them to say something, but both stayed silent. She looked between them, but there was still no reaction. She did not know what else to say. What were the rules of an interrogation? What happened after it is done? Could she leave? Suddenly, she felt a slight panic creeping up her spine and she could hardly suppress a shiver. Although she was in a room with two other people, she felt all alone. Like a little child being lost in the woods.

All she wanted, all she needed, was someone, who reached out for her right now, because it had been a long while since she felt so helpless. She closed her eyes and breathed out slowly, but her nerves still fluttered. Could not someone come for her rescue? She did not know how to do it herself anymore.

"Miss Amell?" Olivia's soft tone tore her out of the darkness of her thoughts. "What's wrong?"

Catherine blinked a few times and bit her underlip. She did not know how to express it with words.

"I just… I don't know what else to tell. It was all, actually, and you were saying nothing." She closed her eyes and blinked again to dissolve the tears. She took another deep breath. Several thoughts ran through her head, her eyes wandering around restlessly.

"That's not all.", noted Barba. "What else is there?"

Catherine hesitated. She was not sure, if she should ask the question that was on her tongue.

"What do you think?", she finally started carefully.

Olivia and Barba had the best confused look on their face.

"What exactly do you mean with that?" Now, Barba's voice had turned carefully, as he was slowly taking a step closer and then another. But Catherine did not miss the little suspicion hidden deeply in his tone. Likely, he did not even know himself it was there. Only she was able to notice, because those hidden messages had decided over her life for a far too long time.

"Well…am I a good victim? Am I reliable enough or am I just going to hurt the case?"

In this moment, Rafael Barba was truly speechless. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, then closed it again. Olivia had knitted her brows instead.

"Did you only tell us that to help?"

"I think my scars prove that it did happen to me, right?", she said and there was a sudden, bitter taste in her mouth. She lowered her eyes and sighed heavily. "Everything I said was true. I just want to know, if my testimony is good enough…"

"Miss Amell, victims do not need to fulfil a value." Olivia's voice was soft as she tried to cheer her up. She was not able to understand, what Catherine's real question was behind it. She was not like the other victims. Catherine had only been able to keep going with her story, because she clung onto something and she was asking indirectly, if she succeeded. For her luck, Barba got it.

"Liv.", he said softly and made her look at him. "She wants to know, if she is helpful."

Catherine widened her eyes, when Barba spoke out, what she had not been able to find words for. When he used the adjective, it was like a missing puzzle piece fell into its place. Yes, that was it. All she wanted is to be a help in the trial so that those bastards would be thrown into prison.

She closed her eyes and could not prevent the tears dropping from her eyelashes. The build up stress fell from her shoulders. She started to feel weak and exhausted. Her hand clenched into a fist. Catherine hoped the pain would pull her away out of her paralysation. She could not collapse. Not now, not anytime. If she gave in, she did not whether she could return. She was scared of that potential condition.

"So, is that all?", she whispered, barely able to control her voice. "Are we done?"

"Miss Amell…"

Catherine ignored Olivia and only looked at Barba. She hoped he would not have any more questions. She did not know, if she could answer them. In all those years, she had thought to have found a way to handle it. Right now, she realised she only pushed it away. She never really dealt with it. All she wanted to do now, was to run away and to hide somewhere save.

Barba slowly nodded and right at that moment, Catherine slumped. Her head sank to the table, her shoulders shaking violently. Little sobs escaped from her. Rafael and Olivia shared a worried gaze, before Olivia rested a hand on her shoulder.

"You've done well. Let's get out of here."


	2. Chapter 2 the pain of relaxation

Chapter The pain of relaxation

Catherine woke up with a scream. Cold sweat ran down her forehead and dripped to the warm blanket that had covered her just a few moments ago. Her breath flew out of her lunges as she panted and tried to focus. Fear clawed after her guts, when she was not able to realise, where she was. The room was unknown to her and in her disorientations, she feared to be caught again. Her heart beat hard against her ribcage. Her blood drummed in her ear. The room around her was dark. She could hardly recognise anything more than contours. Desperately, she tried to locate where she was. What happened to her? Had they caught her again? Her eyes were searching for a way to escape.

Then, the door opened and Catherine whirled around. She pressed herself flat against the wall- ready to fight, run away or anything else to keep her save. She narrowed her eyes to be able to see more.

"Miss Amell, is everything alright?"

"Mister Barba?" Rafael Barba was hard to make out with his dark skin tone and hair, but she recognised his voice. Her body relaxed a little and she straightened. "Where am I?"

"In my flat.", he answered calmly. "We brought you here, after we were done in the hospital. Remember?"

After recognising the prosecutor, Catherine gave up her attack position. In this moment, her memories returned. She had been in the hospital until the very early morning hours. It had taken a long time to document every injury of her. The clinical investigation had brought back memories she had forgotten about. It had been hard and she felt humiliated, although she had been aware it was necessary. Olivia had stayed by her side till the very end. When everything had been done, she had felt utterly exhausted. All she had wanted was to sleep and go back to the welcomed delirium of darkness. The problem had been, she had not known where to go. After their last victim was found and rescued, they would search for her more actively, so she could not go to her usual places. Same went for homeless asylums. She barely had any money so that hotel was out. Barba had been against it as well, because he knew how often it went wrong. What she needed right now was calmness and safety to withstand the new awoken power of her trauma. Olivia's and Rollins flats were too anxious for her with Noah or Jesse around. Olivia and Barba had discussed the options, while Catherine had almost fallen asleep in the chair. In the end, Barba had come over to her to tell her that she was coming with him. He got the permission of a judge that it could not turned against them in court.

"I do now.", she said slowly. "I woke up and didn't know where I was, so I panicked. I'm sorry."

"It sounded like you had a nightmare." He cautiously took a step forward and just now, she was able to actually see him He wore a dark green, satin pyjama and a cotton dressing gown. His eyes were still hidden in the dark. She could roughly see his features.

"I had.", she admitted, after she hesitated for a long time. She sank back onto the bed. Barba seemed to watch her for a while.

"Would you like some tea?" Catherine stayed silent, because she was not able to read his face. Tough, as far as she could guess, he truly was concerned.

"That does sound like a good idea. Thank you."

Barba's furniture was quite a unique mash-up out of antiques and modern ones. His bookshelf and desk were out of massive acacia wood. The lounge in his office on the other hand, was out of black leather. Only because of the light falling through the huge windows offered enough light so that the room did not suffocate under it. Barba offered her to take a seat and brought her a warm blanket out of the living room across the floor. Then, he left the room to make the tea, but only after he lit his fireplace. It did not take long until a cosy warmth flooded through the room. Catherine leaned against the armrest of the couch and pulled the blanket over her legs. Her eyes wandered through the room without focusing on anything. It was voluntary, because she desperately tried not to think. She did not want the pictures of her nightmare to return, although she knew, they would soon. She needed to tell Barba about the carefully locked away memories, which she only was able to remember in the weakness of a dream.

Five minutes later, Rafael Barba returned with two steaming hot cups of camomile tea. The sweet, but heavy scent tickled her nose. He left her cup on a small side table. She thanked him and took the fine porcelain cup into her hands. She blew into the brown liquid. Barba simply sat down in an armchair and crossed his legs. He waited for her to speak, if she wanted to. Though, Catherine was not sure, if she wanted to. On the other hand, Barba needed every bit of ammunition he could get. She took a careful sip and then put the cup aside.

"I haven't told you everything.", she said after a while and waited. She expected Barba to become angry, maybe even yell at her, but none of it happened. He stayed completely calm and only looked at her with an unmoved gaze. "Aren't you getting angry?"

"I'm doing this job for a few years. Only a handful told everything from the beginning."

"I didn't intend to keep it from you.", she assured, hoping that he would not find her unworthy. She wanted to testimony.

"I know." For the first time, his voice was soft and he smiled comfortingly. "What did you dream of?"

She took a deep breath and licked her lips nervously.

"Like I said, they were sadistic. After a while, I don't exactly know when, they found another way to have their fun with me. One of the worst things."

"It had been so horrible, that you locked it away?"

"Yes." She lowered her head and pressed her hands between her tights.

"What else could they possibly do to you? What is worse than what you already told us?"

"Do you know what water boarding is?" Barba's eyes widened in shock and he leaned back. He shook his head in disbelief. Sadness clouded his dark eyes and the corners of his mouth sank.

"They truly did that to you? Above everything else?"

"Yes. It started as a punishment again. They blindfolded me. I was scared, but never expected what was about to come. I thought they would rape me or beat me up again. Instead, I was lifted and chained upside down on a table. When they put the damp washcloth over my mouth, I panicked. I thought, I would drown…"

"Miss Amell…", he interrupted her carefully. "You probably should tell that tomorrow, when we are able to record it."

"I'm afraid that might not be possible." Sadly, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "It's hard to speak about it. I'm hardly hanging on. I don't know, if I will ever be able to tell it all again, when I stop now. The memories are so painful that I need to lock them away again or I am going to break. I can't restart over and over again."

Silence became her companion. How much she hated it. It made her anxious. It felt like he was expecting something of her and she was not able to find out, what it was. More and more pictures stormed back into her mind. She tried to fight them off or to hide in another corner of her mind.

Only when she heard the shrieking sound of an ambulance car, she was able to snap out of her inner struggle. She blinked and refocused of Rafael Barba's office. A deep breath should calm down her fast beating heart. Just then, she noticed that Barba had left his place in the arm chair. He was kneeling in front of her. He was so close as no one had been for a while and especially no one, who did not want to harm her, so she startled.

"I'm sorry.", he said softly. "I didn't intent to scare you."

She exhaled softly and shook her head.

"It's alright. Just, the last times someone was that close, it was to hurt me. I developed a reflex to flinch away."

"I should have expected it."

Once again, Catherine shook her head and pulled her legs in front of her.

"Do I have to tell more of it? I mean, it is not like there are any evidences to prove it." She closed her eyes and bit her lip. Barba looked up at her with a sad gaze. Catherine felt uneasy, when she looked into his eyes. It was hard to believe that these emotions were true. How could he care for her? She was a case. Nothing more. Nervously, she scratched her arm. The pain was supposed to distract her from the tears in her eyes. Her defence mechanisms were working worse with every minute passed. Her mental wall broke stone after stone and she knew it would not take long until the flood of her past was going to pull her away. Her breath came shaky, showing how unstable she became. When she decided to talk to the police, it all came back.

When Barba noticed it, he came to the right conclusion. To her surprise, he stood up and sat down next to her. Cautiously, he rested an arm around her shoulder.

"It is okay, Miss Amell. You don't have to say more. I have enough to imprison them. With your testimony, I can prove a pattern."

"How long?", she asked with shaky voice.

"What do you mean?"

"How long has the other victim been captured?" Catherine did not know herself, why she asked. Why she wanted to know something of the other victim.

"You know, I can't tell you." He hesitated for a few moments, then exhaled. "Not very long."

"Her parents searched for her, right? They reported her missing." Another thing that made her sad. Because of their jobs, her parents had barely been at home. She grew up at her grandparents' house. She barely knew them and the contact almost stopped completely, when she moved to New York. They had not missed her.

"Yes.", Barba said hesitantly.

"How did you find out about me?"

"It was difficult. There had only been a hidden picture of you- not even in the hiding spot. One of your observation. You are right, they are clever. They get rid of almost all evidences. Therefore, we needed to find you."

"And you did…" Her voice was nothing more than a whisper. Her eyes trailed off just like her thoughts. She was not aware that Barba empathized with her. Her bad experiences ensured that she was not able to see his hidden concern in his eyes. Barba did care and all he wanted was to comfort her, because she looked like her hardly kept façade was about to shatter. His heart clenched at the fragile picture of her and his stomach twisted in anger. He could hardly imagine, what she had to endure in the year of captivity. He had heard a lot during his work as the prosecutor of the SVU, but her story was one of the worse. Everything he could possibly think of, she had to endure.

Barba hesitated for a moment, but then he sighed. Carefully and gently, he rested her head on his shoulder. He knew this a very grey area, but he could not stay distant- not when she was obviously suffering.

Catherine stiffed immediately, every muscle of her body tensed. A fear deeply programmed into her soul took her over, but on the other hand, the warmth of another body was calming. Over the past ten years, her body had grown cold. Because of her situation, she had not been able to trust anyone, yet let someone close. It had been too dangerous. She had forgotten, how good it felt. How reassuring it could be, tough his action still confused her.

"Mister Barba, I don't understand.", she said quietly. Her big eyes looked up at him. Barba smiled slightly, trying to make her feel comfortable. "Why are you doing this? It's not like you care."

"How do you get the idea?" Barba sounded offended, although he did not want to. Did he appear insomuch cold-hearted? Catherine noticed that she hurt him and lowered her head in guilt. She knew that her freedom depended on him and she did not want to make him angry.

"You…you were so distant during my interrogation." Catherine fiddled with the hem of the pyjama that Barba had lend to her. She was not brave enough to look into these sceptical eyes of his. She did not want to disappoint him, although she herself had no idea why. "There were hardly any emotions shown on your face. So, I…"

She stopped right in the middle, because she had a feeling that she only made it worse with every other word. Her teeth bit into her bottom lip, something she always did when insecurity overwhelmed her. It was either that or scratching her arm, sometimes until it bled.

"I need to be.", he said as a simple fact. Catherine blinked and dared to look back up it him, but this time, he was staring into the distance. "My job requires it, otherwise I wouldn't be able to fight for the victims in the way they deserve. It might even lead to the case being taken away from me. I can't risk that, but it definitely doesn't mean, I don't care. Actually, I do a lot, otherwise I wouldn't do this job. It doesn't own much prestige."

Catherine felt ashamed and quickly lowered her head. It made sense. If she was truly honest, she knew, he had to stay professional. Actually, it had only been defending mechanism of her soul. As long as she believed no one would care of her, it would not be that painful to keep them away, because she was not able to trust them. It made staying alone easier and she did not have to question herself, if the person was worth letting her close. On the other hand, Catherine never really experienced, what it was like to be taken care of. Her parents never did and she did not have much friends in school. She had been a lonely wolf most of her life and maybe, that saved her life during her flight. She knew, how to deal with things on her own, to only rely on her own and how to be crushed by loneliness. Only her grandparents had loved her, but sadly, they had died even before she came to New York. It had been one of the reasons, why she decided to move so far away for studying.

"I'm sorry…," she whispered quietly, almost just forming the words with her mouth without using her voice. She hated herself for expecting the worst in people, but life never taught her otherwise. Her fingers clenched into the fabric of her pyjama trousers, the rough feeling of cotton anchoring her a little. Ever since she had to testify, Catherine had to fight of the feelings of being ashamed, hating herself and to blame herself. It was a dark storm, which pressed the air out of her lunges and made her feel like she was about to crash into a dark whole any moment. She did not want to be like that. Although she had been alone most of her life, she knew, she had been happy once, that she was able to love people, although they were not looking at her. Now, all she expected of them was to hurt her and she was afraid not being able to recognise those, who truly did care for her. Maybe, Barba only cared for her as a witness and saw nothing else in her than a victim, but it was the best, she had got in a long time. At least, he would not harm her, right? Should that be not enough after all this time? "That was unfair to you. It's just, I don't know, how positive emotions feel like anymore. All I see in them is a way to manipulate me, that they have a hidden purpose. For you, I thought only tried to keep your witness intact until trial, but that wouldn't require all of this effort and it confuses the hell out of me. It must have a stinger in it."

Barba stayed quiet and Catherine tried to read the atmosphere in the room. Did the tension disappear? Was he looking at her again? She wanted to know, but she was too afraid to look. Her heart fluttered in fear, because she had never stripped down her barrier that much and she was afraid to pass the point, where she would inevitably mess up.

Her body started to quiver again and she felt incredibly cold and numb. The adrenaline, that had been high in her body for so long, disappeared and left behind an exhaustion beyond compare. Without Catherine's notice, her head fell a bit more to the side to settle into the alluring warmth, which Barba's body offered. To her surprise, the prosecutor said nothing, instead he rested his hand in her blonde hair and turned her around a little so that she rested more comfortable against him. Catherine startled again and with a fast beating heart- part of fear, part of surprise- and she looked back up. The intensity of the brown eyes took her breath away and she was faced with a compassionate smile. To be honest, she was glad he lost no word on it. All that chaos inside her was hard to express with words anyway.

The kind warmth felt too good to be ignored anyway. So, for the first time in forever, Catherine allowed herself to accept the compassion and closeness of someone else, if only to melt away the ice, which had covered her heart for so long and denied a life to her. It might be a mistake, it might have bad consequences for her, but she slowly started to admit, she could not control everything, otherwise it would destroy her in the end. It was only natural she had tried to get as much control back as possible, after she had absolutely none for over a year, but she had decided to testify to leave all this behind. So maybe, it was time to ease up a little and trying to accept kindness, when it was given to her.

While taking a deep breath, Catherine leaned into Barba's warmth, which covered her like a second blanket and closed her eyes. Barba carefully pulled her closer and adjusted her position so it was more comfortable for him, but it also shielded her from the environment. It was such a protective, nice gesture, it brought tears to Catherine's eyes and she started to shiver. It felt like he was willing to take the burden off her. She did not need to fight for herself for a while. He would take over this job and he was going to bring her freedom.

"I'm sorry…," she whispered overwhelmed, before the first tears rolled from her eyes, her fingers desperately clenching into his robe. Little sobs escaped uncontrollably her mouth, while he simply held her and his fingers gently patted her scalp in a fatherly manner.

"It's okay…," he whispered softly over and over again, trying to give her a rescue line with those words. "You're safe."

In this moment, Barba shrugged of his professional mask and let his true feelings shine through. He knew, he could not even imagine, what she had to go through. How it was like being forced to push everyone off, because they were all a potential threat, dealing with everything on her own, while being afraid not being able to experience the next minute. To be cut off any human contact. It must be so cold and if he could provide a little bit of aid with giving her warmth, he would gladly do so. His eyes turned sad, when he looked down at her, while she clenched into him, trying to hold on, while she fought against her own mind. She still tried to suppress her sobs, trying to not completely lose her composure, but every moment spent in this comforting warmth and with every pat of his fingers, he took another piece of her wall away. Barba wished there would be another way, but he worked long enough with the SVU to know, this very moment was, when the healing truly started. During the testimony, Barba and Olivia had sensed the suppressed emotions. It had appeared as if she was sitting on a volcano of bad memories, which was just about to explode. It probably was better for it to explode in a safe surrounding with someone around, then building the pressure until it would shatter her to pieces.

"I'm sorry…" Catherine's sobs became louder and thicker tears fell from her eyes, while her body trembled even stronger. The tension within her left with every tear and her body allowed itself to let its guards down. Barba knew, it would not have been able to run on alert for much longer.

Chronic hypercortisolism. Wong had once told him about it. It was a malfunction of the metabolism after the body had been in a life-threatening situation over a very long time. The body constantly produced the stress hormone cortisol and kept the body on the edge. Often, persons suffering under this condition were caught between depressions and ADD. The emotions always came like a storm and they felt powerless and helpless under them. They were free from the situation only to be caught in another prison. On their own, they were not able to produce a state of calmness. The calmness must be given by others and to keep the state costed a lot of energy from the offeror, because the disease tried to tore it away.

Traces of a high cortisol level over a long period had been found in Catherine as well. That was, what her blood test said. A bit longer and she would have to suffer from another nightmare and there was no treatment. Still, every sob of her made his heart clench and Barba swore, he would make sure those criminals would never see a window without bars again. He clenched his left hand into a fist and his jaw became stiff.

Just then, Barba noticed that her sobs had stopped. He opened his eyes. When had he closed them? He looked down to her only to realise, she had fallen asleep again. The traces of tears shone silvery on through the light of the lamp, but her face was relaxed, her breaths were coming calmly and evenly. Barba sighed, but smiled. Carefully, he pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and cleaned her face with a hanky. Then, he leaned back on the lounge and tilted his head to look up at the ceiling. He definitely was too old for a night on the couch and his back would hate him for it, but he could not disturb her right now. She would need her strength, because he had to prepare her for her testimony in a few hours. Time was running against him. He looked back at her peaceful appearance and smiled.

"Sleep well.", he said quietly and closed his eyes to get some sleep himself.


	3. Chapter 3 Practice for another hell

Chapter: Practise for another hell

Blood, her blood was everywhere, contrasting strongly with the white tiles of her prison. They were a warn signal not to behave like that ever again. The smell of iron was prominent in the air. Catherine laid hunched together on the floor of more tiles, her arms wrapped around her stomach. Her body shivered, while wave after wave of pain washed over her and she desperately fought the urge to vomit. Never would she do that again. She feared the punishment more than anything. Tears streamed down her face, while she curled herself together. This was not going to end. She would never make it out of here. How long had she been in here? It took all of her strength to open her eyes to look at the wall, where she had scratched on the wall until her fingertips bled and left red marks on the tiles. Catherine tried to focus and started counting lines. She did that often. On the one hand it was a method to deal with her anxiety and fear, on the other hand, it helped her not to think. It was a possibility to escape from her hell, if only for the shortest of time. She gaged again and her body hurled itself together, but with her iron will, she focused on the lines. She would not allow neither the pain nor the fear to come and get her. She would not give her rapist this satisfaction. Catherine was very sure, they were watching her from a hidden camera, but she had not found it yet. Maybe, she was just getting paranoid, but even looking for it, was a way of activity. 203. 203 days she had been caught in this living hell. Over half a year. How likely was it to be found? To be rescued? If no one had found her yet… oh, who was she trying to fool? No one would be missing her. She had no one left, who would care enough to wonder, where she was. She was the perfect victim for those sadists. She had no connections in New York, but was mentally strong enough to withstand torture without turning into either a mindless or bubbling mess. But, not so much longer anymore. Her will to fight subsided from day to day. It would not take much longer until they finally broke her into shards- physically and mentally.

She huffed in pain and hunched herself up and back into a sitting position. Emotionlessly, she stared at the scratches she had left in the tiles, when she had been desperate enough to try to dig herself out of here. Of course, it had been useless. She was under the mercy of her captivators and there was nothing she could do against it. No matter how hard she would fight, they would always win out.

New tears rolled over her cheeks, when despair washed over her. She clenched her hands into her hair and screamed in mental pain, until she curled herself together in a corner and awaited the next martyrium, she had to endure. Her mind was very eager to help imagine possible scenarios. It was a mechanism to prepare herself, but it was another way of torture. Their captivators managed to dig themselves into her brain.

"I'm going to die," she whispered into the deathly, yet loud silence, while she kept listening and awaiting steps in front of the door. Soon, they appeared and the door was opened again. The bright light from the floor- at least she supposed it was- blinded her like always. Normally, she would have knitted her eyes together, trying to recognise, who was in charge this time, but today, she only stared into nothingness with empty eyes. "Please, let me die soon."

She knew, he heard her and she knew, she would pay for this wish.

"Miss Amell." A calm voice suddenly asked from afar. Catherine blinked confused and a bit of life returned into her eyes. That was not their voice. She knew their voices inside out. They were low, but ugly and mean. Voices, which shrilled in your ears, when you listen to them. This one was deep like thunder. They also never called her Miss Amell. Her name was one of the first things, they had carefully taken away from her. She was whore, bitch, slump, piece of dirt, but not Miss Amell.

Just then, she realised that the picture in front of her eyes was frozen. Her rapist stood in the door frame, one leg hanging in the air. Catherine looked around and noticed, how the contours started to blur. What was happening? She got scared, trying desperately to clench on something, while the room around her started to turn faster and faster.

"Catherine!" Suddenly, there was a grip on her shoulder and she almost screamed, but no word left her lips. Abruptly, the room stopped. Catherine blinked carefully and noticed, she was not in her prison anymore. She was in a courtroom. Sunlight flew brightly through the huge windows. In front of her stood Rafael Barba, a very concerned expression on his face and a hand on her shoulder. "Are you alright?"

Catherine breathed out in relief and to get the tension out of her body, while she sank back into her chair. She was free! It was over for now.

"Yes…", she said, but her voice proved her a liar. It was hoarsely and almost broke several times within this simple word. Barba's frown deepened and he watched her closely, penetrated her with these smart, brown eyes. Catherine tried a reassuring smile, but failed miserably. "I just…remembered. I was back in there for a moment."

"I can imagine, it must be hard.", he said and squeezed her shoulder. The wrinkles on Barba's forehead evened and he sighed. Maybe she was still not focusing well, but Catherine had the impression, his gaze turned soft for a moment, but before she was able to confirm it, Barba had turned around. He walked back to his desk and filled a glass of water, what he handed to her. Catherine tried to smile again to thank him. It was a bit more stable than the previous one, but it still flickered dangerously. She drank a bit and took in several, deep breaths to calm her down. "I'm sorry, we have to go through this over and over again and that I'm picky on every word."

He let go of her and went back to his desk again, leaning against the table, his legs crossed. He wanted to give her space.

"I really don't want to put even more pressure onto you, but the defence attorney is John Buchanan. He's a Pitbull and won't go easy on you. He will try to twist every word in your mouth and hassle you, until you're not sure of your own words anymore. I need you to be prepared for that."

"I know…", she whispered tiredly, while holding onto her glass. "If I fail to convince the jury, the entire case is lost."

"Sadly, that's true, but let this be my worry.", Barba said softly and smiled at her. "I want to prepare you so that you won't be hurt even more."

Catherine looked up in surprise. She did not expect him to say something like that, although he had shown that he cared last night. Why could she not accept it? Why was every alarm bell within her ringing, although he was the only man in years, who had been kind to her? The depth of her soul warned her not to trust him, not to expect anything of him.

Barba watched her close, trying to assess the mental state she was in and about what she was thinking. He hated this part of the job, where he had to deliberately put them under stress to make sure they were able to handle it in court. In this moment, he was not any better than the defence attorneys or even the criminals themselves. He had to make the victims to go through their martyrium over and over again and in every detail, but he knew for what he did it. In the end it was for helping them. It was a fine line between preparing them and being a total jerk.

Catherine drank the last bit of her glass and finally looked back up at him. She felt calmer again after the clouds of her past had subsided and returned Barba's gaze with a determined one of her own. She wanted to do this. She wanted to fight. It was the first time, where her efforts might succeed.

"Can we try again?", he asked carefully. Catherine took a deep breath, while clenching her fingers stronger into her T-shirt and nodded. Barba nodded as well and then attacked her. His questions came from every unexpected direction. At first, Catherine was able to defend herself, but they became meaner and meaner and the pace increased. Barba showed his wits, nagging on a formulation or a word, until Catherine was not sure anymore, what she said or even meant. More and more, he forced her into a corner, his words pelted upon her like heavy rain drops and they hurt like a sharp whiplash. Still, the pace of the attacks increased even more, herd her into confusion until she felt dizzy. The room started to turn on itself like a too fast-moving carousel. It overwhelmed her, scared her und all of the neurons in her head were on fire, still Barba kept going and going, instinctively noticing every weak spot and purposeful targeting it. Catherine felt raped all over again, but in another, just as gruesome way. Panic flooded her mind and her chest suddenly felt tight, her sensed overstimulated and in the end, she could not take it anymore. She squeezed her eyes shut and covered her ears with her hands and screamed stop with all force, tears falling from her eyes. For a moment, it seemed like Barba thought about continuing, because that was what Buchanan would do, but he decided to stop. Catherine breathed heavily, desperately trying to get air back into her lunge, gasping like she had run the distance of ten years on the run in this day, sweat dripping down her forehead.

When no new attacks came, she slowly came back to senses and the panic and desperation disappeared. Carefully, she looked back up. For a moment, the storm of emotions distorted her perception and Barba looked like a devil with a sly grin. Just as when her inner voices felt themselves confirmed, Barba's gaze turned sad and his eyes became as deep as they were dark. It was the first time, she saw that expression on his face, the first time he seemed vulnerable to her as well. His steps echoed through the huge, empty room, which had just felt like it was about to bury her. When he reached her, he rested a hand on her upper arm and whispered:

"I'm sorry." Those words were honest, there was no doubt to it, because they sounded too raw and full of emotion to be anything else. She wanted him to stop. He needed to stop otherwise, soon there would be no security wall around her heart anymore and she was sure, she would not be able to get through the trial without it. On the other hand, it was like a deeper part of soul pulled on her, trying to make her accept the offered emotions. To finally give in and let go, finally being able to catch breath for a while and let others help her. This longing deep inside her wanted nothing more to lean her head against his arm and take as much compassion as she possibly could. She was completely torn between her inner security system and her longings, which had been shut down for such a long time. She wanted to rely on others, she just was not sure, if she could. This inner conflict felt horrible and she lowered her head, because the urge would become too strong, if she looked any longer into his eyes. She should not depend on him so much. She never wanted to give anyone that much control over her, tough she knew, it was like that for a while. Barba was responsible for how her trial turned out. No matter how less she liked it, her freedom depended to him. Maybe it was another kind of Stockholm-Syndrome? Did her unconscious try to make him like her, because it hoped he would try harder then? Or she needed to be good, otherwise he would let her fall like so many others did? Tears burned in her eyes. Barba reached into his trouser pocket and offered her a hanky. Catherine looked at it for a moment, then laughed hollowly. It sounded more like a bark, while wiping the tears out of her eyes.

"Damn." She took a deep breath and the tension disappeared from her, when she blew her nose. "That was…harsh."

"I know.", he admitted. He rested his arm on the brim of the pulpit. He was close, invading her personal space, but he did not do it to harm her or to make her uncomfortable and it seemed like her instinct knew, because she did not flinch.

"I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have panicked like this." She sighed sadly and lowered her head in guilt again. "Maybe, it is not good to testify…I'm not…"

"Miss Amell…" She stopped due to his authoritative tone. Her shoulders shivered like a little child waiting for being slapped. "You're doing well. Don't put so much pressure on you. I know you do, because you are aware of your important role in this case, but it's not your responsibility alone. That is my job, do you understand?"

He sighed deeply and smiled.

"I know, you are thinking that you need to offer me something, that you're only worth as much as you give…when you fulfil, what others await of you. Those bastards had a year to imprint that into you. If you dared to deviate from the protocol, you were punished. I'm also aware, you're trying to be good, so that I won't depose your case. You freed yourself from your captivators and now, you think you're under the mercy of another man again. Let me make one think clear: That's not, how it is."

Catherine startled and stared up with wide eyes. Maybe, he did not hit her physically, but he did mentally.

"Barba…" Barba sighed again and ruffled slightly through his short hair, his expression turning softer. He seemed to have been harsh to shriek her out of her dark thoughts, so that her body dispose the fear. Immediately, when he knew, he had her attention, his expression softened. Rafael smiled contently, although Catherine did not see it. She had not called him Mister Barba. He knew, it meant she was one step closer to trust him. But did he want her to? It was not necessary for her to trust him. She only needed to trust in his work. His work with the SVU had truly softened him up. Before he had worked here, he had been as much of a hard-ass as Buchanan was, but he had learned quickly- and because of Olivia- that it would not work here. Too much pressure would cause more harm than help, but yet, it surprised him how much he had changed as well. In this moment, he did not do it to help his case, he truly did it to help her.

"It might help you see it the other way around. I might need your help to win this case, but actually, I'm working for you."

Catherine frowned.

"You're working for the prosecution of New York."

"Whose job it is to punish those, who defied against the laws of society and to bring justice to those, who were harmed.", Barba said. "It's my job to make sure that you finally get justice. Tough, I am aware that nothing we punish them with is enough to be equal with what you had to go through."

Catherine sat stony in her chair, watching him with eyes as wide as meadow. Barba waited for her to react, but she looked paralysed. He was her support. She did not need to give him anything. She did not need to be good enough.

"Okay?", he asked and woke her out of it. Catherine blinked several times, but then nodded. Barba smiled and turned around, walking back to the place Buchanan was going to stand soon, but before he was able to turn back to her, Catherine whispered:

"Thank you." The words were quiet and Barba almost missed them, but he heard them and he was content. His lips turned into a smile and he faced her.

"Shall we try one last time, before having lunch? I promise, I won't speak that fast again. It seemed like this had caused you to panic, right?"

Catherine looked in wonder, because his words showed, how closely he was watching her. He had noticed that not the questions had been the problem, the problem had been, she had not been able to progress every question of them and the purpose. Her mind had not been fast enough and at one point, it had been overloaded.

"Yes.", she answered and Barba knew, she meant both. And so, the cycle restarted again.

"The last one was good.", Barba said, while scrambling with his chopsticks through the carton of the Asian take-away food. To be honest, Catherine had not expected him to be the kind of person for Asian fast-food. His appearance, clothes and language were cultivated, so she had assumed him to eat haute-cuisine. Guess, she had been wrong with that. Catherine still sat in the chair in the pulpit, while she ate her rice with fried pork. Barba wanted to make sure she got used to the place, therefore they had both put their lunch on the prim and he stood, while eating.

They practised the cross-examination several times afterwards. Catherine had not been willing to take a break until she had got it right at least once. There were so many unwritten rules, she needed to follow. Not too emotional, yet not emotionless. Trying not to use the exact same words again, otherwise it would sound like she had commit it to memory, yet not to differently or else she would offer weak spots. Her head was still buzzing from all of Barba's corrections and explanations, but she had tried to remember them all and, in the end, it had seemed to work. Catherine had noticed, how most of questions came again just in another disguise and she knew, how to respond to them. It had calmed her down. She had known what was about to come or what she needed to pay attention to.

Still, the little praise of Barba felt good and she could not prevent to smile proudly. Catherine was not completely sure, but he looked proud, too. Should she be this happy about it? Yet, there was a smile on his lips that made her feel confident and she noticed how she slowly started to trust him.

On the other hand, when they took a break from their roles, Catherine noticed, there was nothing left. She did not know, what to talk about or if she even should. She was one of many for Barba, while she took great steps for him. Did that not mean, they were doomed? Wait! What was she thinking? What they? There was not any they. Catherine frowned about herself and looked over at Barba, but he was busy eating his glass noodles. What the hell was she expecting this to be? Sure, Barba was the first one, who had been nice to her in what felt like a lifetime. Of course, that would cause sympathy from her side, but it was also dangerous. With being abused for such a long time, it could happen she would value little action of kindness as more as they were. She sighed heavily. Hanging in balance again. Thanks to her captivity, she would likely never be able to behave naturally. Her thoughts and mind where way too damaged for it. She would either go too fast or too slow with anyone. When would the suffer stop? When was she going to be free again?

"Miss Amell?" Barba's deep voice tore through her thoughts and made her jump. Once again, she saw herself faced with concerned, dark eyes and she did not know how to handle it. Was she taking too much from it again? "Are you alright? You stopped eating."

"It's nothing.", she dismissed a bit too quickly and it did not go unnoticed. Barba frowned, but she started to eat, so he luckily decided to let it go. Still, the once comfortable silence had turned uncomfortable. She had the urge to say something, to fill it, to entertain him, please him. Stupid malfunction of her brain. She hated, how they turned her into a devote being, offering everything to not being hurt, although she would not be hurt. Barba would not hurt her. She said it over and over again to herself, hoping she would find her artificial self-confidence back, because she hated how uncertain she felt. How pathetic. How weak.

"Will you stop blaming and doubting yourself on your own or do I have to scold you?" Catherine's head jerked up and she looked at him. Barba had put his chopsticks back into the carton and had rested his head on his folded hands. Catherine starred at him with wide eyes with a flicker of fear in them. Barba sighed and shook his head.

"I can't imagine, what kind of emotional trauma those years had caused, but you're definitely thinking too much. I understand that you only expect the worst in people. It was your strategy to survive, but now, you have to trust me at least a bit. I'm aware this must be pretty unsettling and confusing. You can't trust your instincts anymore, because the wall around your heart starts to crumble. Actually, you long for kindness, for someone being nice and yet you are afraid of it, am I right?"

"Yes," she admitted after a long time. She was aware, it would make no sense at all to deny it. Barba had a good insight on human nature. "I didn't know, what to talk about, because, when our roles subside, there is nothing left."

"And you have the urge to please. A really thorough brainwash."

"You sound impress."

"Not at all." Barba clenched his teeth together and the muscles of his jaws were prominently visible under his dark skin. "I'm disgusted."

Somehow, this did the trick. Barba openly showing, how despicable he found their actions, was so incredibly soothing. It made him appear more human. She was grateful for him to let his cool demeanour slip away for a while.

"When I interrogated them," he continued. "They acted like they were normal men, but something about them made every alarm bell ring within me, even if I didn't know your story then."

"I guess, they are not completely able to hide their sociopathy. I wished, my bells would have rung back then." She sighed and squeezed her hand tight around her food carton. "Guess, I was naive."

"Well, I have a few more years of experience and saw the worst of scumbags in this city. So, to be fair, I had a head start." To her own surprise, Catherine chuckled softly. She had always loved sarcasm. She was British after all, they have invented it, but right now, it was sometimes hard for to identify it. Barba looked surprised as well, but he only showed it by slightly widening his eyes. Catherine slowly was able to recognise all those little expressions on his face, but then, he laughed softly along with her and immediately, the tension was chased away again.

"I won't hurt you, Catherine," he said casually out of nowhere, his face becoming serious. "No need to be afraid. If I truly wanted to, I could have done that last night."

"I know…" She sighed heavily. "It will be a lot of work to rearrange that programmed patterns in my brain. But…"

She looked back up at him and there was an oldness in her eyes, that was far too much for such a young woman. Eyes, tired of the world, eyes, who had seen hell and yet returned.

"I haven't thanked you for it. Thank you." Barba nodded and therefore accepted it without making a big deal out of it.

"Do you feel prepared," Barba asked, after they finished eating up. Catherine hesitated for a moment, valuing her thoughts to give an honest answer.

"To be honest, the cross-examination isn't making me nervous."

"What then?"

"Having to face them again. I'm still terribly afraid of them and I fear, I might not be able to speak, when they're in the same room as me. They had controlled everything of me for over a year, disobedience was punished brutally. What do I do, when those emotions are clashing over me, making me feel like I am drowning?"

"Then, look at me.", he said softly and cupped her shoulder. "I'll be with you all the time. You're not alone in this. When the memories try to overwhelm you, or feel uncertain, look at me. I'll be there. I'm your proof that they have no power over you. You don't need to fight anymore. I'll do it from now on. I'll protect you with all that is given to me, okay?"

"Barba.", Catherine whispered, her voice almost choked by her tears. Her lips started to tremble, when he spoke the words, she had wished for without her knowing. But then, a new-found strength filled her body and for the first time in years, she felt something like hope returning to her. At least, she was going to take her future into her hands. She was not going to running away anymore. With the SVU and Barba in her back, she felt like she might be able to win the fight for her freedom. But even if she loose, at least she had tried and it would end with her doom. Well, it would be an end nonetheless. No more years with Damocles sword hanging above her head. Finally, a smile returned to her face and Catherine wiped the tears of her eyes.

"I like that fierce expression much more on your face.", Barba stated and Catherine chuckled slightly. Man, that still was unknown to her. In the last ten years, there had been no place for humour, but it felt so good to get it back.

"Well, they made a fighter out of me." A fire started to burn in her eyes and she clenched her hand into a fist. "Time to stand up and get my life back."


	4. Chapter 4 Freedom into uncertainty

4\. Chapter freedom into uncertainty

"We found the suspects guilty."

A mumble ran through the courtroom like a wave, but Catherine needed several moments, until the meaning of the word guilty reached her. Over. It was over. They were going to rot in jail like they deserved. Hopefully, the other inmates would make them taste their own medicine. Catherine flinched, when the thought ran through her head, but it was good to get her anger back. Being angry was far better than being devastated.

A short gaze to the triplets showed her that they had thought the same. Their face had turned pale visibly and fear shone in their eyes, when they were dragged away. Catherine smiled contently, when a warm feeling of satisfaction settled within her. Finally, it was payback time.

Just when the short flicker of revenge and gratification was soothed, the overwhelming feeling of relief and relaxation came to her. She was free. Her life belonged to her again. A few happy tears fell unnoticed from her eyes, when Olivia squeezed her shoulders and whispered "well done". A gaze towards Marianne- the other victim- showed, she felt the same. Her entire body was rigid, while she cried. Amanda had wrapped an arm around her, when the young girl broke. She was just twenty years old and looked very similar to Catherine. Obviously, the triplets had chosen her as her replacement, when it seemed like they would not be able to catch Catherine again. Luckily, they definitely had been out of practise and the modern technology had improved since Catherine's abduction.

Marianne looked up and searched for Catherine's eyes. Catherine smiled reassuringly at her. Thankfully, they had only raped her once. The SVU found her too quickly for them to do anything more. That alone was bad enough, sure, and Catherine hated herself for those thoughts, but Marianne could have had it even worse than her. Catherine was pretty sure, they would have killed her in the end. Marianne nodded gratefully towards her and thanked her silently for her testimony. Catherine tilted her head in acceptance, but then, her gaze wandered to Barba. He was busy storing his documents into his briefcase. Every movement of his were symbol of normality. It was nothing extraordinary to him. It was just a case after all. What Catherine did not know was, how she had missed the moment, when he had closed his eyes breathed out in relief. He did not look at her, but Catherine smiled nonetheless, because she hoped he could sense it. Barba had kept his promise and had fought like a lion for them.

Slowly, the courtroom started to empty itself, people walking out of it like busy ants.

"Let's get out of here.", Olivia said and stood up, while her detectives followed her example. Catherine nodded. When she stood up, she just realised, how tensed she had been, because her leg buckled and she almost feel down. For her luck, Olivia noticed and caught her and helped her back to her feet.

"That's normal.", she assured quickly and then leaded her out of the room. Due to her exhaustion, Catherine did not hear the insults of the family and friends from the triplets, when she left the room. The hallway was all stuffed out with marble, looking like a Grecian temple. People were running around, some of them carrying files and briefcases, most of them wearing as expensive clothes as Barba did. Catherine stood in the hallway together with the SVU squad. Amanda and Carisi were talking to Marianne and her, but Catherine did not understand the words. Her mind still felt paralysed, it could not completely understand, what happened. Carisi looked at her, smiling and Catherine returned it, without knowing, what he had said to her. It was too unbelievable that she was finally free. Free. The word slowly dripped into her mind like little rain drops. She had no idea what it meant to be free. Her nightmares were going to be locked away in prison for a long time, but she had to face a new fight and it scared her even more than her flight. There was nothing left of her. All she had cared about was to survive. Now, she had to find out, who she had become. She had to fill out that empty shell with a new soul, but how was she supposed to do that? How could build up a normal life? What was she going to do, now that she had not to worry about finding a hide out?

"Catherine?" Olivia's soft voice appeared through the dark clouds of her anxiety. Catherine took a deep breath and unclenched her fingers from the fabric of her blazer. At one point, Catherine could not exactly say when, Olivia had started to call her by her first name.

Catherine tried to force a smile out of her, but truth was, she still felt completely overwhelmed. She was in a state between of no thoughts and anxiety. It was like her brain could not decide to be in flight mode or to shut down completely.

"It's okay, Olivia.", she answered mechanically. "I…don't realise it completely yet."

Olivia nodded contently and turned back to Marianne, who was talking lively with Amanda, while her father had wrapped an arm around her. Catherine smiled sadly at the picture. She envied Marianne a little. It had been only a short intermezzo for her. Her life could relatively go on like before. There was no gap of ten years for her. She would go back to college, she could continue to live her dreams. Her parents had been with her all the time. For Catherine it felt they would slowly fade away from her, while she was left alone. She shook her head to chase these thoughts away. It was not the time for that. She had to pull herself together and master the next challenge of her life. It had always been like that. She would make it through this one as well.

"Well, that went just as we hoped." Barba's deep voice seemed to have become a rescuing line for her. It always reached through the darkness no matter, how thick it was. Catherine turned around. Barba was just leaving the courtroom. Slowly, he walked over to the others. When did they moved away from her? Catherine watched, how he spoke to Olivia, Marianne and her parents, while holding her breath. Catherine bit her lip and truly felt lost. She felt like one of those kids in a Dicken's book, which was staring through the window and watched an intact family having dinner in front of a fireplace, while she was left alone in the snow. It felt like she did not belong to that group, like she had only a purpose for them to achieve their goal and then they willing get rid of her. Without her noticing it, her fingers clenched into the blazer just above her chest. She waited for him to come over to her. She frowned, when she identified the longing inside of her. Why did she wish him to come over? Why was her heart beating in her throat? Why did she want his attention? Catherine was disgusted by herself. Had the brainwash reached that far to actually hoping for another dependency? Why did she want nothing more than a nice pat of her head and to hear that she was good like a little child getting praise from its father? Did she really have such a big father complex?

On the other hand, Barba had been her hold through the entire trial that lasted a week. He was the only one she kind of trusted, who cared enough of her to make her carefully peak out of her caution. He was a guidance for her, who took his time to explain, what was going to happen next. What was normally done by the members SVU, had been his job with her, because she still shied away from the SVU most of the time. Barba became kind of a saviour for her, who offered her a way out of the ever-lasting cycle of fear. Still, she hated feeling that way. She did not want to cling onto Barba until he was bothered of her and kicked her back into the cage of loneliness. She did not want to get hurt by him. Catherine was not sure, if she could possibly endure someone hurting the little piece of trust she offered in this fragile time. It would be likely she would never be able to trust anyone ever again, but deep down within her, she did not want to lose her faith into humanity. What would be left of her life then? For what would she have fought all the time, if she lost faith right now?

Suddenly, Barba turned towards her and frowned thoughtfully. Cautiously, aware not to startle her, he walked over to her and stopped in front of her. He waited, until Catherine showed a visible reaction of him standing in front of her. It took some time, but then, she blinked and looked at him. To her own surprise, she was welcomed with a warm, content smile and he rested a hand on her shoulder.

"You've done well, Miss Amell.", he said simply, but the words startled her as much as a life threat. Her eyes blew wide and her bottom lip began to shake, her eyes filling with tears. It must be a coincidence, Catherine was sure of it, but it felt like he knew, what she longed to hear. Still, those friendly and encouraging words overwhelmed her. It felt like her throat was restrained by her own tears. She shook her head, trying not to burst into tears in this very moment. It was just an act of politeness. Catherine was sure of it, but it meant the world to her. Holding back her tears became more and more difficult and, in the end, she knew, she was losing. The tremble became stronger, her body shaking. Then, without Catherine even being able to realise it, she had hugged Barba, pressing her head against his shoulder just like she had done the first night.

"Thank you…", she whispered quietly and the way Barba startled, showed her, he understood, she did not only refer to his words. He understood she meant for everything. Catherine knew, she also had to thank the SVU, but somehow, she wanted to keep the first one for Barba. He did most of the work for her and it would feel wrong to her to thank anyone before him.

Catherine did not notice, how they were watched by the SVU, but Barba did. He felt the curious and amused gaze of Carisi in his back. The attention of the law student always made his neck itch. Sure, Carisi was a kind man, honest and loyal, but most of the time way too energetic that it touched the level of annoying. The energy and emotions radiating from him had always been too much for Barba to endure. Still, Barba relaxed from his surprise and own overwhelm and gently wrapped an arm around her. He felt how her tears wetted his suit jacket, but he did not care about it. Finally, Catherine and Marianne were free and that was what mattered to him. He held her for how long she needed to calm down. Finally, all the relief and tension were washed out of her body together with her tears and she dissolved. She wiped the remnant of the sadness out of her eyes and looked around. For Catherine's surprise, Olivia seemed to have led the others outside. At least they were not standing, where they used to just a few minutes ago.

"Where…?" Catherine looked around, but could not make out any of them.

"They went outside.", Barba explained. "Marianne is driving home with her parents right away and the other's want to say good-bye. Do you want to go to them?"

It felt actually strange that someone was asking her, what she wanted. Not often in her life did anybody bother to ask her. She thought about it for a few, but then nodded.

"I want to say good-bye to Marianne as well." Barba nodded and together, both went outside.

The cold air of the evening hit her like needles. It was March, but the previous nights had been rather cold. Catherine closed her coat and then hugged herself and rubbed her arms for a moment. It did not take her long to see the group at the end of the stairs of the court house. They were standing in front of a car- a Volvo she guessed- and talked to the other members. Barba had already taken some of the steps, before he noticed, she was not following him. He stopped and looked back to her, but Catherine immediately followed. There was something she needed to say. Something needed to get out of her system.

"Hey, Marianne," she said cautiously, when they reached the others. The young woman turned around. Her blue eyes were almost back to normal.

"Catherine.", she exclaimed and suddenly, Catherine was hugged tightly. Catherine went completely rigid, her body holding her breath. She certainly did not expect it. Actually, she did not know what she expected, but her mind just turned blank. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. For testifying and helping me out, when I struggled. I wouldn't have made it without you."

She had been guiding Marianne through the trial. She had sensed, when the young woman had become anxious and had talked to her. Marianne had relied on her, because Catherine had appeared strong and calm through the entire process. Only those trained in the psychology of victims would have recognised the defence mechanism with it. She had focused on her goal and it prevented her thoughts from getting distracted. In this moment, though, that mask fell shattering onto the ground and it was visible how much damage the triplets had cause within her.

When her father wanted to put a hand on her shoulder, she shied away again. She stumbled backwards out of Marianne's embrace and hugged herself in a desperate try to keep distance. Her entire body was shivering with fear. She took one deep breath after another, trying to calm down her nerves, her quivering body and her heart.

Marianne watched her out of wide eyes, when she saw the trauma shining through the surface of Catherine. It was, if the girl just realised, what could have happened to her. Catherine on the other hand focused herself on the street lamps and started to count them. Focusing on other sense impressions was a valid possibility to calm down.

"I'm so sorry.", she whispered quietly, but Catherine had gained control over herself again and shook her head.

"It's okay. It was just unexpected. No need to worry, I'm good now." Catherine tried to smile, but failed once again. It seemed like she need to learn how to smile again. She sensed the gazes of everyone on her. Everyone knew, she was not good, but they accepted her lie, because no one knew what to do.

"How long will they get?", Olivia asked Barba to change the subject and act like that incident had never happened. Barba sighed heavily and rubbed his neck.

"Not as long as they deserve. The crimes done to Miss Amell's are time-barred. I couldn't charge them for those, you know that. Her case was only evidence. Therefore, they charge was only for rape and unlawful detention in a minor case. Around 12 years."

"I know, that's law, but it appears unfair." Amanda huffed and shoved her hands into the pockets of her coat. She seemed utterly frustrated. "I mean, they're not going to pay for anything they've done to her."

"It's okay.", she reassured Amanda and showed a flickering smile. "I was aware of it and it was my own fault."

All of them stared at her in shock. No one expected she would blame herself. Catherine took a deep breath and collected all of her strength. She turned towards Marianne.

"I'm so sorry." Marianne starred at her in surprise, wondering to whom or for what she was apologising until she realised, it was an apology directed to her. Before she could ask Catherine for what she was apologising, Catherine continued: "I should've been braver. If I have gone to the police immediately, they might have been arrested and you wouldn't have to endure it. They only abducted you, because you looked like me back then. If I…"

"Catherine, no." Marianne shook her head vehemently. "It's not your fault. You're so strong. I wouldn't have made it through it without you. Without your help, they would not be imprisoned."

"Marianne…"

"She's right.", her father said. He was an average, mid-west man, with sunburned, tanned skin and a grey beard. "And we thank you for staying at our daughter's side through all of this. You're not to blame for any of it."

"What are you going to do, now?", Marianne asked and Catherine shrugged.

"I don't know. Honestly, I don't." She stared up into the night sky, the stars shining brightly and the wind rustling through her hair. It felt like the first breath in a new chapter of life, but the last one ended with a horrible cliff hanger and she had no idea what the next page were going to offer. Catherine was not sure, if she was going to like, what they would offer her. How could it be that being free scared her more than being on the run? Why did New York suddenly felt like it was going to swallow her completely?

Mister Mitchell, Marianne's father, seemed to have notice the strange tension twirling between this little circle or he simply felt pity for her. Either way, he turned around to her and had one those pitiful smiles. As if Catherine did not know, how miserable she was. She already felt like she was standing on top of a cliff and one wrong step would doom her forever. She had not realised yet, how she had turned her back towards the cliff. She could close the chapter. The peak of her story was over, not it was time to work for her and she lived happily ever after.

"You could stay with us for a while, if you like.", Mister Mitchell offered kindly, but it startled Catherine. It was a nice gesture and more than she had ever expected, but she did not want to. How could she possibly turn it down politely? Her finger twitched nervously, but unnoticed from everyone. He only meant the best for her, but he put a lot of pressure on her and she chewed on her gum.

"That is a very kind offer.", she started slowly. She blinked several times into the light of a street lamp, then raised her head and looked back to Mister Mitchell. "But I decline. I think, I rather stay here in New York. I know every corner and I need safety. Despite, if I go with you, I would owe my new life to someone. It would be a new dependency, although you have kind intentions. Please, don't feel offended. I have to make it on my own, otherwise I will never gain my self-confidence back."

Catherine squeezed her eyes shut and prayed silently, she would not made him angry, while she clenched her hand into her thighs. She also felt the piercing gazes of everyone on her. It was like they were burning on her skin. Attention was such a horrible thing. It had always meant she someone would get hurt- most of the time, it was her.

"I understand.", Mister Mitchell said to her surprise, but then he longed into his pocket and handed her an ID-card. "If you ever need anything, give us a call."

"Thank…you.", she said overwhelmed and took the card hesitantly. Catherine knew, she could not turn that down politely. Mister Mitchell wanted to give her something in return for helping his daughter along. Catherine smiled and put it inside her pocket. "I will."

She will never call.

Afterwards, Marianne said good-bye to everyone. She hugged Catherine so tight, she almost could not breath, but she endured it for a few, before it truly started to feel uncomfortable. Then, they walked to their car to drive back to Michigan. Olivia and her team followed her.

"I wouldn't recommend to stay in New York." Rafael Barba had walked up next to her and watched the scenery of good-bye just like her. Catherine frowned and looked at him.

"What? Why?"

"Because it's never going to end like this.", he explained with a serious expression on his face. She blinked several times, her mind trying to understand, what he wanted to say. Her blue eyes watched him confused and thoughtfully at the same time. Barba turned his head towards and there was something deep resting in his dark eyes.

"What do you mean?", she asked, her voice much thinner than she expected it to be. How stupid was it to let his gaze take her breath away? But the concern was so much more than she ever expected. Although she was very grateful for everything he had done, she expected nothing after the trial had ended. Actually, she had thought, she had gone too far with her hug. The feeling was overwhelming her like a storm wave.

Barba stayed silent for several moments, his eyes simply watching her closely. Once again Catherine felt stripped down until her core. Under those piercing eyes, the shallow masquerade of an adult woman shattered and the frightened, hurt little girl appeared. Her alter ego she wanted to forget and leave behind. Sometimes, she even forgot this other self within her existed. It seemed like she was not able to keep this up with him.

"I don't presume to understand, what you've been through or how to go on after this." Barba closed his eyes and stared back to scenario on the other side of the forecourt. Marianne just hugged Carisi close, who had helped her through the case. His gaze was thoughtful, maybe even melancholic. Catherine could not tell and she desperately try not to search for the darkness. She wanted to believe, it was not a try of manipulation. He only wanted to give her an advice and he would give her something she did not have for so long- a choice. She could take it or not. She desperately wanted to believe, he cared for her. She did not want to be alone anymore and even if it was just for a blink of an eye, she was desperate enough to take it. She had got a glimpse of warmth and it had made her realise, how cold she had become. Caring could melt her frozen heart and she wanted to get a little bit of the person back she once had been. "I think, I understand, why you want to stay. You feel safe here, but let us be honest for a moment."

Catherine stared at his silhouette and she had no bloody clue, what he wanted to say. Barba sighed sadly and he closed his eyes half. Marianne's father heaved her suitcase into the boot.

"It's an illusion. You were never safe here. New York is your hell, your trap. My opinion is, you'll never be free here. Although you know, they are in prison, your unconscious is still going to expect them behind every corner."

"Barba.", she whispered surprise.

"I believe, you need a fresh start.", he went on as if he had not heard her whisper.

"It feels like running away."

"It's not. You are free. You can do, whatever you want. And even if it is, no one would or should blame you. To be honest, it is a surprise, how well you are for what was done to you."

"I'm not well." The words tasted bitter on her tongue. She hated to admit it, because showing weakness could have been her death sentence. She also hated it, because it was a big trust step on her side. She was scared, because of it. No matter if Barba was getting it- and she was pretty sure, he was- or not, she provided him with a huge target, which he could use against her. She decided to trust in Barba, not in his job. Either meant it would not last. Presuming, he did not notice and whatever it was between them- or whatever she hoped it to be- would end in mere minutes. If he knew, it was even worse, because he was sending her away even if it might be for her best. Still, it was everything she could get for a long time. An illusion was better than nothing.

"I know.", he said softly. "It only shows, how strong you are. I have no idea, how I would be in your place."

It sounded honest, Catherine could not deny it. Also, she was not able to deny, how soothing it felt, how good it was to be acknowledged. Why was she that foolish? She just got her independency back and her heart willingly threw it away for some kind words and yet, she thirsted for more of those. Why on earth was she longing for that? Did she want to hurt herself? Because this was how it would turn out. She could not mean to Barba, what he meant for her. He was the only one, who granted her freedom, but she was one of many for him. The value of this actions for her were bigger than hers for him. That was a fact. While Catherine tried to convince herself not to expect too much of him, Barba watched her close.

"If there is anything you need, give Olivia or me a call." Catherine's heart jumped in surprise, then she lowered her eyes. There was something she needed, but she was too proud to ask. Inside her coat pocket she clenched her hand into a fist.

"Do you have any idea, how I could get some money? All of my reserves are gone.", she said jokingly, but the undertone was dry.

"How much do you need?", he asked casually. Catherine widened her eyes in shock. He was joking, right? But he already got his wallet out.

"Barba, no…" She grabbed his wrist and tried to push it down, the cold metal of his watch was pressing into her hand. Barba stopped his movement, but showed no intention to put it away. Barba looked up at her and tilted his head.

"This is not the time to be proud." He smiled and gently untangled her hand.

"When, if not now?", she asked tiredly. "I just got my honour back."

"It's not being taken away by asking for help."

"It feels like it is.", she murmured and she looked once again like a little girl. Speaking about her emotions made her feel miserable.

"I know." Barba turned to her and smiled encouragingly. Catherine felt the strong urge to cover her ears. Stop! He must stop. She could not handle it. He must stop being that kind and friendly. It made her mind race like crazy. "You've been through this all on your own. It was necessary, but you don't need to go on like this."

"Why are you doing this?" The question slipped out of her, before she noticed it herself. This one time, Barba did not notice the real question behind this obvious one.

"I want to help you." He shrugged.

"And what do you want?", she snapped.

"What?" Barba frowned and stared at her in confusion. Catherine hated herself for the deeply planted suspicion within her.

"What do you expect me to give you in return?" Oh, you stupid girl, shut up! Why did you keep talking?

"Is this how you think of me?" His voice became louder and for the first time since she knew him, he looked hurt. On another occasion, Catherine would have felt proud to get a stronger emotion out of him, but his obvious anger made her flinch. She knew, she was unfair. She knew she was twisting his intention around, but her subconscious did not allow her to go back. All the build-up anger and humiliation of the past years wanted to get out and sadly, Barba was in the crossfire.

"What else am I supposed to think?" Catherine almost shouted. "I'm no one to you. I'm just a case."

There it was. She said it out loud without wanting it. She had been unwary and revealed her torment. She expected to be hit by pure anger, but instead, his body gesture relaxed and his frown deepened. He took his time to assess, what she just said, trying to understand what real reason was hidden behind it. Barba sighed deeply and pinched his eyebrows. Then, he looked up and saw tears in her eyes, she had not even noticed herself. Catherine gulped in surprise, when she felt the wet pearls rolling down her cheek. She felt so vulnerable and scared. Protectively, she wrapped her arms around her and waited for her punishment, her body shivering in fear.

"You won't sue them by civil law, right?" This question totally was not what she expected. Carefully, Catherine opened her eyes and saw a gaze she could not assess. "You are eligible for damages for pain and suffering. You know that."

"I can't do that.", she said painfully, her voice straining with her inner struggle. "I want it to end and they don't have money anyway."

"New York would pay for it."

"Exactly." Her voice turned sour like a lemon and her face was scrunched in disgust. "It would feel like they are paying me for it. As if it would change a thing."

"It's a compensation."

"No amount of money is a compensation for what they took away from me. Or could a billion dollar- or whatever a court decide would be the price for my suffering- give me back my hope? My innocence? My dream?"

"No.", Barba admitted and lowered his eyes.

"Then, they shouldn't try to express my hell in money. How could someone even assess, how much my trauma is worth? Ten thousand for every rape? One hundred thousand for the life of my son? Another ten thousand for every year on the run? Is that appropriate?"

"No." Barba's voice turned quiet and he did not look into her eyes anymore. Uncertainly, he licked his lips and then pressed them together. It seemed like he got her point. No one, who had been through the same, could even imagine, how big the aftermath of her hell was and no one should dare to believe they could price tag it.

"Then keep your money." She pressed every word through her clenched teeth, the muscles of her jaw visible under her porcelain skin. Her entire body was tensed.

"I don't intend it to be a compensation."

"Then what?"

"You asked, if I know how you're able to get money."

"It was a joke."

"It wasn't.", Barba replied seriously. "I know, you almost had nothing left and ran out of opportunities to organise more. That was the main reason, why you decided to stop running."

He was right and Catherine hated, how easy it was for him to see through her.

"I know, it's not much.", he continued with a softer voice. "But it allows you to stay in a hotel at least for a week."

Catherine raised an eyebrow and looked at the dollar notes, he was still holding in his hand.

"Those are at least five hundred dollars. I would not waste it on a week in a hotel."

"No, you wouldn't, but I think that's what you need. After all those years living on minimum, you need a nice bed and a warm shower. You need to relax and recover your strength. Your trauma will keep you on your toes for a very long time."

"Barba…"

"Please, Catherine." Barba sounded pleadingly, but that could not be. It was not possible. Why should he? Why should it be important to him that she would accept the offered money? She could not even think of a reason, why. Or was she too afraid to see a possible one? Every time she thought about his motives, her heart clenched in panic. She needed to get out of this situation, before she was going to have a panic attack. O the other hand, she did not want to be impolite. Barba had done too much for her to do this to him.

"I don't want…", she started, but her voice subsided. She did not know exactly, what she wanted.

"What do you want?", he asked. His tone suggested he wanted to make her say it out loud, but Catherine had difficulties to understand her heart. It was as if it was speaking another language or she had locked it out in order to keep her sane. Unlocking it was going to take a while.

"Pity…" Her stomach twisted, when she said it. She did not want Barba to have pity with her. It felt so wrong as if she was nothing but a little girl in his eyes. As if she was not worth then this arrogant feeling.

"Oh, Catherine.", he said softly with a warm smile on his face. There it was again. He looked like a father amused by his foolish daughter. But why was it bothering her so much? Did she want them to be equal? That was ridiculous. That would mean they would have any kind of relation. "It's not pity. It's compassion."

"It's just a nicer sounding word, Mister Barba."'

"I ask again: Is it so hard to believe that I care? Is my professional mask that well to awake the impression I am cold hearted?"

"I didn't mean that.", she said rueful, her eyes lowered shamefully. Barba laughed softly. "I just don't like the feeling I get, when someone is pitying me. It feels like it's decreasing my pain. Like it wasn't that bad."

"I…", he stopped and sighed. "I think, I understand. To be honest, though, I want to do something for you, because no matter how many years they get, it's not enough. I don't like that I wasn't able to sue them for what they did to you. They'll get around twelve years…just as long as you've been in their prison. It isn't fair, but there isn't more I can do. My possibilities are limited in their punishment, but not in support."

"My answer is the same I've given to Mister Mitchell. I appreciate the effort, but I just got my independency back…I can't lose it again, although I believe you to have good intentions."

Barba stayed silent for several moments, then sighed and put the money back into his wallet. Catherine breathed out in relief. Barba seemed to understand that she needed to prove she was going to make it on her own. Just then, she would be able to trust others. After that she could open up, but she needed to sort that out beforehand.

"Thank you.", she whispered and he nodded. "I think, it's time for me to go."

"I wish you all the best, Miss Amell. I'm sure, you'll make it. My offer still stands. If there is anything, I can do, give me a call, but I'm sure you're never going to."

"You're quite the observer." She chuckled lightly and it felt so strange to be amused. "Farewell, Mister Barba."

Then, Catherine turned around, before she changed her mind. It was her time to leave her hell behind and maybe even more. It needed to be a clean cut, otherwise those strings could turn into chains. At least, Catherine believed that. Although she knew, she actually wised to at least see Barba again, she could not. It would only end in her being hurt. She was too fragile to build up any kind of relation, if Barba was willing to. She would mistrust him and, in the end, it would poison her relation, because that was, what she was at the moment. She was poisoned and she needed to get it out of her system beforehand, before any healthy emotion could grow within her and she needed to do it on her own. This was a farewell. She would never see him again. The basis of their relation was way too distorted and she had no idea, what she could give Barba in return for everything he would have to invest into it, if he was willing to. No, there was no future.

Barba looked after her, while she said good-bye to the SVU and then disappeared into the night like New York was swallowing her. He hoped, she would find a way out of this dark hell. He truly wished it for her, but there was nothing he could do. Whatever she needed, she needed to find it within her. He only wished her the best, before he turned around as well and left for his office. The next Marianne and Catherine would come soon.


	5. Chapter 5 City of a new chance

5\. Chapter City of a new chance

Rafael Barba was on the Santa Monica Pier. It was a Saturday afternoon in summer and it felt like whole LA tried to fit onto the Pier. The big wheel turned around itself, its lights shining brightly and a lively music was dancing through the air. People were walking around, pushing each other, eating candy cotton and chatting with each other. Rafael had the luck to conquer one of the few benches and watched them. He held a newspaper in his hand, which he had just finished reading. He sighed, took a bite of his Hot Dog and closed his eyes. He tried to sit back and relax, enjoying the Californian sun on his skin and the warm breeze in his short hair. A month ago, he had to quit his job as the ADA of New York and he decided to move somewhere far away. He got a job offer from a law office in LA and took it. He was not a prosecutor anymore, he was a simple lawyer and that caused a lot freer time than he used to have. It was unknown to him to have a free weekend, not to be on alarm. Still, he mourned his old job. He had been a prosecutor for over twenty years. It was in his system and although the worked with the SVU had never been easy, he had liked it. He had liked the challenge and fighting for the good ones, helping these victims to get their justice. He also missed Liv and the others. Even Carisi. He closed his eyes, leaned forward and rested his arms on his legs. He saw a little girl running past him, a balloon following her. He smiled, when her joy of life jumped over at him. It cheered him up for a moment. This part of his life was over, but maybe it was not a bad thing. He was no longer the youngest and more years in his old job would have taken its toll. He was sure of it. When the constant stress had fallen off him, he had just noticed how exhausted he was- physically and mentally. Twenty years on the edge left its marks, although he had liked it.

Now, it was time to take a step back and actually enjoy life. That was why he went to the Pier in the first place. Still, it was hard to find any appeal to it. There were way too many people out here and it was too loud. Although he had to admit, he liked the view over the ocean. At least, he was able to buy a house at the beach of Malibu. That was quite enjoyable.

Rafael folded the newspaper and let his eyes wander over the sea. Soft waves rolled over the shore. A lot of people were walking their dogs along the beach. He even saw two riders- one on a brown and a one on a black horse- cantering through the shore. He tried to focus on this view and ignore the pure life behind him. When he managed to do so, his body started to relax. He stretched lazily and looked with half-closed eyes over the ocean. The warmth of the sun did its rest to help him relax. Yes, he thought, he could enjoy this.

"Mister Barba?" A womanly voice asked behind him in a surprised tone. "Rafael Barba?"

Rafael grumbled, when he was immediately torn out of his relaxed state. For God's sake, who was disturbing him? He turned around and saw a young woman, maybe around thirty, standing behind him. She had long brown hair and bright blue eyes. In her left hand, she held a waffle with ice cream. It took him a few moments, until he recognized her.

"Catherine Amell?" She nodded and smiled. Catherine had dyed her hair back to its natural brown tone and removed the coloured contact lenses, she had worn as a disguise. She took the few remaining steps to him and stopped right next to him. "What a surprise. How long has it been?"

"Around three years.", she answered.

"Three years…such a long time. How are you doing?" He slid to the side and offered her a place to sit. Catherine seemed surprised. She probably did not expect his friendly reaction. Barba was sure, she had thought he would not recognise her or at least not that fast. But he remembered all of them. Barba smiled amused and patted on the free space next to her. "Take it or someone else will and I would prefer you."

She still hesitated for a few moments, but then smiled slightly and took his invitation.

"So, to come to my first question, how are you doing?" Catherine was obviously overwhelmed with the situation. Her entire body was stiff and if her grip got any stronger, she would break her waffle into two. "I'm not going to bite you, you know."

"Not so sure about it.", she said hesitantly and watched him out the corners of her eyes. Barba laughed instead. Catherine waited another few moments, before she sighed. "I left New York after the trial. I thought about our talk and what Olivia and the others recommended. I didn't want to leave New York, because I knew the city. I knew, where to hide, where to go, but on the other hand, it would always remind me. I would never be able to walk through the streets without suspecting them behind every corner. Therefore, I decided to leave New York right away and move as far away as possible. I brought a one-way ticket to LA and never looked back."

Catherine stared at the ocean and licked her ice cream. It seemed like she thought back for the first time in the past three years. Barba understood. It was another way of running away. After her rapists were imprisoned, she needed to run from the location. During her run, she had only stayed in New York, because every corner and street of the Big Apple was known to her. Leaving for a new city would have been a huge risk. Now, it was finally time for her to build a life and a home.

"I needed around half a year to fully understand that they're in prison. I was still expecting them around every corner and was scared. It was hard to realise, I was finally free again." She finally looked at him with a small smile. "Thank you for it, again."

"You don't need to thank me. It was my job." But Catherine shook her head.

"It was your job, true, but you could have decided that the case was a great risk. You were the one fighting in court. So, I might have been your job, but that doesn't change that it was your work that freed me." This one of the things that always surprised Barba about her and what kept her present in his memories. After her trial was over, she had thanked him first. Normally, the victims thanked Olivia and her team. When he had left the courtroom, she had hugged him tightly and whispered her thanks with tears in her voice. To be honest, he had felt a little overwhelmed in that moment. His entire body stiffened and he awkwardly patted her back. Barba never forgot the grin on the SVU squads faces, when they had watched it. It made her sympathetic to him, despite the odd circumstance they got to know each other.

"Thank you." It was a genuine thanks for her appreciation of his work.

"After I learned that I'm free, it seemed like the colours reappeared in the world. It's hard to explain. Everything seemed brighter, lively, more beautiful than it ever did before. Everything I did was like doing it for the first time. I took the time to enjoy the wind in my hair, the scent of the ocean, enjoying the sun on my skin, eating ice cream. All this normal stuff that was taken from me for almost ten years. It is hard to explain."

"I think, I have an idea." He smiled and finished up his hot dog.

"In that summer, I applied for a scholarship and got it. I started studying biology again. I just handed in my bachelor thesis and await the result. Afterwards, I gonna apply for a master study and maybe do my PhD. Let's see."

"That is amazing, Miss Amell." And Barba meant it. When he had met Catherine Amell, she had been nothing more than a shell- a soul almost completely broken and hardly hanging on. Over her iris had hung a dull haze. Barba had only been able to guess, how bright they once might had been. Now, he was able to see it again. Her blue eyes shone full of life and intelligence. She found back to her potential that had been robbed of her. Barba was truly glad she found herself back and overcame her past. Catherine smiled shyly. She was definitely unused to being praised. There was even a little blush on her cheeks. Rafael found it cute. Although she was thirty years old, she seemed more like when she was back at the age, when she had been abducted. She appeared not older than in her early twenties.

"So, what is the famous Rafael Barba doing in LA? Are you on holiday?" Catherine obviously only wanted to do small talk. She did not want their conversation to be just about her. She could not have known that she hit a nerve. Barba startled and lowered his eyes. Catherine frowned and turned her head to him.

"No.", he answered with a heavy voice. His throat was suddenly dry. "I'm not."

Catherine closed her mouth and fell silent.

"So, it is true.", she whispered after a few minutes. "You quit your job."

"You heard about it…" Rafael closed his eyes. "Of course, you did."

"Yes, I followed the news about the SVU and you. I read about the incident with the baby." Her smile turned sadly and she rested a hand on his shoulder. Gently, she squeezed it. "I just hoped, you found a way around it. Maybe being suspended for a while and then returning."

The silence that fell upon them was rather uncomfortable and Barba shifted on the bench, while Catherine stayed silent. Barba was not sure why, but he was wondering, what she thought about it.

"I don't know, if you wanna hear it or if it means anything to you," she went on, while looking over the ocean. "I don't think, it was decision, which was supposed to be made by you, Mr. Barba, but I think you did the best for Drew."

"You do?" Barba frowned. He definitely did not expect that. He thought she would react just like Olivia. He was so surprised, he did not even wonder, why she was able to remember the name of the baby. He, who normally paid attention to every word due to his job, missed that she obviously cared enough about him to remember the case in such details. It also showed, how thoughtfully she had researched the case, because most newspapers did not print the name of the family or the baby- to protect their privacy.

"Yes…" She took a deep breath in and looked at him. Her bright blue eyes met his and there was nothing, but sympathy in her eyes. Barba did not know why, but it comforted him a little. "I read about the disease a little and know enough of Biology to understand in which state he was. That his vegetative nerve system was working on minimum, but nothing more. He was nothing like an empty shell. He would be able to feel pain, but not even to understand it was pain. He never existed in the first place."

Her voice trailed off and was carried away by the wind, while her hands rested on her knees. Barba was surprised by how comforting and relieving it was that someone said, he did the right thing. This case had driven him to the edge and afterwards, he doubted his decision many times, even regretted it, but Catherine words had something soothing.

"But even, if I would not been able to understand it, I think, I would still think so."

"Why? I must appear like a murderer." Sometimes, in the deep of the night, he saw himself like that. He still tried to convince himself, it had not judicially been murder, but his brain insulted him as a fool. It was a good excuse, but nothing more.

"Because…" Catherine stopped for a moment and pressed her hands between her thighs, while staring into the sun. It seemed like she was thinking about how to put it into words. In the end she shook her head and seemed to throw away the first draft of explanation. Instead, she started anew: "We don't know each other very well. Well, you know every detail of my life and I know almost nothing of you, but you don't know me. But there is one thing, I'm pretty sure of about you and normally, I have a pretty decent instinct."

Her blue eyes looked deeply into his eyes and in this moment, they were as vivid as the ocean in front of them. Barba felt his finger tighten into his jacket and he wondered, what characteristic she would bring up.

"I know, you are a good man," she stated simply and Barba was surprised, by how disappointed he actually was. He expected something more complicated that would save him from his own thoughts, not something that trivial, but Catherine was not done yet. "You carry a good mask to deal with all the mess you were and still are faced with, but I know, that you care deep within. You would never hurt anyone voluntary. You are a too good man to be a murderer. You did it, because you wanted to protect Drew and to help his parents even at the risk to end up in jail yourself. You were a prosecutor long enough to know, which risk you were taking. You would never endanger a job carelessly, which allowed you to bring justice to those, who needed it. I know for sure, it would never cross your mind to harm a baby, without a good reason. That isn't the Barba I got to know and I would have trusted in that."

Barba stared at her with wide eyes, while shaking his head in disbelief. Her argumentation was so simply and yet, it hit him hard. Even without understanding the medical condition of Drew, she would have believed, he would never make a morally wrong decision. She would have trusted in him, believe in him. He gulped and looked into her eyes, but he found no doubts in them. Catherine simply knew, he was a good man and that was all she would have needed. Catherine, who always saw and expected worst of humanity, gave him that much credit. It was unbelievable, but yet, it was comforting. If someone like Catherine could believe it was the right thing to do, then it probably was. He did not need to justify or explain himself to her. His words that he believed it to be the right choice, was enough for her.

Barba took in a deep breath and blinked away a few tears that were filling his eyes. Catherine seemed to notice his condition. She hesitated for a moment, looking at him, then away and back to him again, uncertain about what to do, but in the end, her own good nature won. She turned to him, wrapped her arms carefully around his shoulders and leaned her head against his. This compassionate gesture startled Barba, because he would never expect it from her. It brought a little smile to his face and he allowed himself to accept that little gesture of compassion. Slowly and slightly, he leaned his head more against hers, while letting her friendliness seep through him and chase away the doubts within his stomach.

"I'm sorry that you had to quit," she suddenly whispered quietly.

"Why are you apologising? It's not like you're the reason." Barba dissolved from her and looked at her with an irritated gaze.

"No, but that doesn't change that I feel sorry for it. I mean, you obviously loved your job and as far as I could assess it, you were brilliant. I mean, of course you were, otherwise you wouldn't be in this position for so long and…"

Catherine spoke faster and faster with every word, struggling with her own words. She obviously did not want to hurt Barba and noticed with every try, she only made it worse. Barba watched it amused.

"Slow down, Miss Amell. Easy." He laughed. "If I get offended this easily, I wouldn't have last long in my job."

Catherine slouched her shoulders and fell back against the bench. Now, she felt dumb and totally embarrassed.

"You enjoy it.", she said sulky. Barba chuckled genuinely. It had been a while since the last time he could.

"A little.", he replied with a smug grin. "There are only a few people, who didn't like their ego to be praised."

"Even to the price of embarrassing me?"

"You did that to yourself." He smiled, while Catherine threw a deathly gaze at him. That only made him laugh louder. Barba truly enjoyed himself. Her anger disappeared quickly and all the tension was gone out of her body. The past lightness of the situation was gone and a melancholic sadness laid in the air.

"I'm still sorry."

"I know and it's appreciated.", he said softly. "But maybe it's for the best."

"So, you are doing a fresh start as well in LA?" Barba nodded and Catherine let out a deep breath.

"Okay, so let me give you some tips. First of all." She pointed at the remaining waste of his Hot Dog. "If you truly want a great Hot Dog, go to Dirt Dog in the Figueroa street. They're delicious. Not like this crap."

Barba frowned and looked at the packing of his eaten hotdog, then threw it in the bin next to the bench. He just wanted to say something, when her watch started buzzing. She jumped in surprise and looked at it.

"Oh shit. My shift starts in the café. I'm sorry, but I have to go." She jumped up quickly and removed some crumbs from her clothes. "It was nice meeting you again, Mr. Barba. I hope, you will enjoy living in LA. Maybe, we are going to meet again. Good bye."

Catherine turned around and was just about to leave.

"Miss Amell." Barba called her back. She stopped and looked at him over her shoulder.

"I'm only living here for a month and barely know anyone. Would you mind showing me around?"

Catherine frowned and turned fully around. She definitely did not expect that.

"You want that?" She still had problems to believe that someone would like to spend time with her. With Barba it was even harder to believe, because she had been his case. How could he be able to see something else in her? He barely knew her and yet knew every secret of her. Barba simply shrugged.

"Like I said, I barely know anybody here."

She hesitated, but then nodded and went back to him.

"Give me your mobile phone."

"Why?"

"I gonna give you my contacts. Text me, when you have time, and I'll arrange something. But now, I truly have to leave. I need the money." Barba got his cell phone out of jacket and Catherine quickly saved her contacts. With a last wave, she turned around and hurried off the Pier. Barba leaned back and smiled. Who would have guessed that he would meet her here?


End file.
